January 24, 2002 - 12:38 p.m.

Why grade 8?
Mood:

I used to think that being thin, not so much pretty as just THIN, was the ultimate ideal of highschool popularity. In grade 8, it became paramount that one had a boyfriend, or in the very least, a preoccupation with 'boys'. To not, was to be branded as something less than feminine and 'girlish'. This was not the time to start sexual experimentation, it was the time to start heterosexual experimentation. Those who coupled sex with coupledom were branded 'sluts'. Those who simply coupled up were always at the top of the crowd. Having a boyfriend and discussing your boyfriend became the focus of adolescent conversations, in the meantime, the 'outcasts' looked on in envy, daydreaming that one day their time will come.

I think it's important to realise that every fantasy for success begins in grade 8. At least for me it did. This was when I started thinking that, aside from my academic status, looking good was the 'IT' of highschool life. Even though, I admit, I used to fantasize plently about strutting into my grade 6 class, blonde, skinny and sparkling, the actual focus upon this being the deciding factor between a full and happy life and a life of drudgery and branding finally surfaced in grade 8. Even though of course I could do nothing about it because by this time I realised that 'daydreams' where only that, dreams.

I also realised (just now) how silly it was for the ultimate 'school-girl' look to be forced upon someone who had no business to uphold the age old ideal that 'private school girls were sexy'. Imagine that uniform on me NOW, a couple of sizes too tight and you'd have the private school girl look down pat, back then it seemed like being poured into that same uniform was a BIG BIG mistake. To top it off, my skirt reached somewhere below my knees and it was just about the size of a tent. To make matters worse, by the time I graduated elementary school in grade 7, the skirt barely fit.

It's more of a comparison issue though. I remember the day my mom and I went to the store to try on and buy my school uniform. I felt then that for once something fit me quite well and I felt good in it. Nothing pinched or dragged. I felt good. Once I finally went to school, I had a good look around and a good comparison that boiled down to a bunch of skinny leggy girls in VERY short quilts (we wore the quilt style of the skirt) and then... on the other side of the room, there was me. Needless to say 'fitting in'... to my clothes, was a lot easier than fitting in with those girls..

So today I sit here contemplating the private school life and knowing that, had I been skinny and acceptable, things would have gone that much more differently. I like 'communitized' societies, especially school. Private school may not be for everyone, but it would have been for me, if only for that one little-big problem. Oh well, back to the present here I come. I had 2 full cups of OJ thus far, I need to go eat something.

I stepped on the scale today and bam, down 3lbs just like that. I KNEW it was all water gain and stupid period related crap, so I feel mega good today. To top it off, Red and I figured out that we should just go look at the fireplaces ourselves and leave my mom at home, that'll be so kool. We can just make the appointment and have them come by the house, although *sigh* there goes my next week's schedule. I'm watching Maury on tv and still have to finish that logo for Red, and start a new webpage, yey, way to go Red :) Oh yeah, and work out and pack for 2morrow... unless my navel flares up or something.

I also measured my waist, I can't believe it's like 23 inches. It sounds like alot, but I curled the measuring tape to make 23 inches and it's like about the size of a dinner plate, it makes me feel so girly for some reason, hehehe. I can't let that like make me feel too good, otherwise I'll stop working out, let that be motivation to kick more ass.

10:26 p.m.

Oh gd, my jaw hurts, stupid peanuts. I'm not very impressed with myself right now *sigh*. I worked out today, that's good, made me feel awesome, but I only had one meal. After the workout I had a snack of tofu, just tofu with this Teriaki BBQ sauce I like. It was good, good to have protein after a workout, but that was at around 9 or so and I don't eat meals past 6, so oh well. I'm so tired now and I know I have to stay up because I need to talk to Dea and ask her what time we're supposed to be meeting, but of course Red and her went out and I have NO idea when they'll be back, I hate it when ppl don't even give me an approximation *sigh*.

If I can't stay up long enough for them to come back I dunno then because I have NO idea what's happening for 2morrow and I don't really feel like frigging waking up at 8 just to find out that it's cancelled or something. I wish it just WOULDN'T rain so Dea and I could go for a walk instead of a swim. Swimming involves way too much thinking.

I'm just talking with Red's brother and Art. Red's bro is giving me advice on 'bulking up', he's one skinny dude so not sure if he's the right person to talk to. But he suggested I try his soy protein powder, except, I HATE 'thick' drinks, and the last time I smelled his it made me want to barf, so I don't know how this is going to work out. I sort of can't stand that thick milky consistency type 'milk shake', I just can't. I can't since that time I had to take a similar substance when I was sick, it was some sort of medicine. I kept telling my mom NOT to give it to me because I had trouble keeping it down, one day I threw up on her, I guess that proved my point. She had to go see the doctor to give me something else. From that point on I just can't even LOOK or even SMELL anything that comes close to the crap I had to drink for a while there.