May 14, 2002 - 10:44 a.m.

Time flies... damn it.
Mood:

I need to slow down, it's so annoying, every time I turn around everything's just GONE! I'm forever trying to outrun my life and I always fail. Red and I talked for a long long time yesterday. He's happy, on the surface, that makes me happy as well, deep down... well, I suppose I wish I got some attention from him but PMS is passing fast and soon I won't require any attention from him or anybody.

Dea was SUCH a sweetheart yesterday! She left on her trip at 8 am, I didn't want to keep her up annoying her with my problems so I left at around 1, but I'm sure she stuck around until late at night talking to Rebecca. We were just talking about Red and I mostly, how I feel, what he's feeling. Obviously Red and her talk as well, about his problems, my problems, etc. I explained the situation to her, and where he stood, and why he stood where he stood in regards to him feeling betrayed and like I don't care about him. I told her that I was confused... well, here, it's best explained without paraphrasing, and it's an incredable conversation (WARNING: very insanely long conversation coming up, if you're Dea reading this, feel free to skip till the end, hehehe):

Lady Dea: btw... why are you in pain ? you dont have to tell me if you dont want to...

Dark Angel: just Red stuff Dea..... why do I ever feel in pain but for him you know

oh man.... ahhhhh....... what time are you leaving tomorrow Dea? :)

Lady Dea: ahh... I kinda guessed it was Red stuff leaving at 8 am... pff

Dark Angel: oh wow, oh cripes, that means I must say good luck and g'bye to you today! eeeeppppppp, oh wow, I'll miss you Dea *big big hug*

I dunno Dea, poor Red *sigh*

Lady Dea: *big big big hug* I know :) I'm gonna miss you too

why poor Red? whats wrong with him?!

Dark Angel: just you know, stressed, and he works to hard, and then the accident, and of course me letting him down <- being the biggest thing, cuz he doesn't care about the accident as much as that

Lady Dea: you let him down by not going there that day?

Dark Angel: yes

Lady Dea: hmmm did he ask?

Dark Angel: I don't know Dea, that's the thing, I'm a bit confused about that to be quite honest..... when we were on the phone I asked over and over and he said there was no point because it was late and he said "I can't drive you back, so you'd just come here and have to leave", I asked him a couple more times if he was sure, and that I didn't mind it, but he still said the same thing (at least from what I remember)....... THEN, we got off the phone and started talking on ICQ and at one point he said "I want you to just come and sleep over", but I didn't want to sleep over so I said no, and he said that was fine.......

I know it's not an excuse but I don't know, HONESTLY, I didn't mean to make him feel horrible or let him down so much, I wasn't thinking straight, more along the lines of "Thank god he's all right" repeating over and over in my head and crying

I mean, in MY head I didn't equate him needing me RIGHT NOW, I thought that if I came the next day it'll still be all right, I mean that was my mistake obviously

Lady Dea: well if he said it was fine... what does he want now?! you can't say "it's okay" and then get mad cause the person took you seriously. pardon me for saying that... but that is something you might do, and he hates that kind of stuff. so why does he do it?

Dark Angel: that's not an excuse Dea, because after that he DID say he wanted me to come over

Lady Dea: I dunno DA... way too many mixed signals right then, someone offers to come over and you say no over and over again... then you change your mind and want them to come and sleep over. and they say they'd rather not... and you say that you are fine with that... and then you change your mind again and get mad at them for not wanting to come over. you = very confused person (and you refers to Red)

Dark Angel: but of course that's something I do, and therefore I can't believe I was so stupid to like BELIEVE him..... BUT, I didn't really, I was gonig to just pack my bag and come over to surprise him, the stupid thing was Patsy and Tina showed up at my house, they weren't SUPPOSED to, I told Pat not to, but he did anyway so I kinda had no choice of course he said, well, why didn't you just ask them for a ride........ *sigh* and again, he's right you know, why didn't I?

well of course Dea, he was in an accident... I don't expect him to think rationally that day, poor guy

Lady Dea: I wouldnt have asked for a ride. but then again Im like that... I dont like imposing.

Dark Angel: I don't know why I didn't ask, but honestly, I'm not like that either, making someone drive ME all the way to WR? I don't think so

Lady Dea: and you explained all this and he was still upset and said "why didnt you ask them for a ride?"?

Dark Angel: yes, I did tell him all that, but the stuff before, he said no excuse, I mean, he's right Dea, I didn't want to fight with him

Lady Dea: exactly. you can't expect people to just ask stuff like that. Red feels bad asking even ME to drive him to WR. and we are VERY close friends. actually he would never ask for the life of him, I volunteer, so how could he ask you to do something even he couldnt do?

Dark Angel: for once, he's right, like I don't even say "I hate to admit it"... I don't, I REALLY fucked up

Lady Dea: *shrug* he's right in some aspects... but then... he's not.

well voila... you fucked up... but for once he acted like you. I would say that for him that's a grosse mistake.

Dark Angel: in his mind he's right Dea, and I'm way more afraid of confronting him than I am of just accepting what he has to say and dealing with it, you know, I told him that too....... sometimes you just HAVE to do something that's not 100% right to you, but that IS right

well Dea, I mean seriously, the guy was in a pretty bad accident, I mean seriously, the fact that he took it THAT well, cripes, amazes me

Lady Dea: yeah... I get what you are saying.

Dark Angel: I mean, yes I do agree with you, he very much acted like me (cripes, there's a 'me' now....... I must really suck) anyway but the thing is, like I said, I'm surprised he ONLY acted like 'me'

but yes, that did cross my mind ........ it's just difficult to deal with things right now

Lady Dea: I would think so... but the thing is... one day he WILL realize that he acted like you... and that will hit him really hard.

Dark Angel: I mean for obvious reasons, plus he actually said yesterday that he forgives me, I didn't believe him right, well ok, perhaps he did forgive, but not forget, all right so yes, lets put it that way, he didn't forget, and it's STILL there, of course I don't expect him to forget so easily, plus he reminds me of course, but you know, it's so strange to have him care about how he feels only, and not about how I feel

HA! lol, oh Dea Dea......... I have yet to experience Red's enlightement :) that would bring me great joy, but he doesn't think like that, no I'm wrong, sorry, he doesn't think like that when it comes to ME, UNLESS I say something, and of course I would never!

Lady Dea: Red does care alot about how he feels dear. he just doesnt see much point showing it.

when he does realize... it might mean the end or the beginning.

Dark Angel: that is to say: when it comes to me, he won't just 'realise' he acted like me and feel bad, unfortunately, and PLEASE don't tell him this Dea..... I fear that's, I don't know....... making me feel further and further away from him :(

and the bad thing is, in order for me to feel 'good' about us, I would pretty much need for him to, I don't know, work hard to show he wants me in his life, and that I do more than just bring him pain, and he WON'T do that, HE wants that from ME............ end of story

Lady Dea: honestly DA... if this accident would have happened even half a year ago... I am certain he wouldnt have acted like he did.

that seems like a big impass DA... he won't do it, you won't do it... so who is going to do it?

Dark Angel: he does care, he cared very well because he said "You hurt me so much I stopped caring about the consequences of what I had to say to you" <- in other words, and I asked him to explain, he stopped caring how, what he had to say, would make me feel, he just said he wanted to concentrate on his feelings and just be blunt and honest

I don't know Dea, I don't think he'll realise

"honestly DA... if this accident would have happened even half a year ago... I am certain he wouldnt have acted like he did." why do you think that Dea?

nobody, I won't do it because I feel BEYOND hurt, and the place beyond hurt is just emptiness, I just can't feel ANYTHING, except for sadness and pain sometimes, but otherwise, I mean, that's about it

Lady Dea: because half a year ago he wouldnt have been so frustrated.

Red has said things that I have never thought he'd say. things I have told him before as a "matter of fact" kind of thing. and he said them to me, without me mentioning. I was... surprised a bit because this is Red... but not shocked. a person only has so much patience.

Dark Angel: what kinds of things? but I know Dea, he HAS changed

Lady Dea: so what will happen? in your most honest opinion DA. if you cant and he cant... what's next?!

Dark Angel: there's nothing, there was never nothing for me, and he's just heading in that direction.... I really opened up to him yesterday, I wanted so badly to help him, I still felt residues of all of that today in the morning you know, I felt close to him again, I felt like.... wow.... I forgot what this felt like then the day took it's toll........ by the time I had to leave for school, he didn't even say "I love you", just, you know, have a nice trip *hugs*....... when I came back, I mentioned it, and he just didn't say anything about it

I mean, obviously slowly, that closeness I felt just faded away, mostly for my protection, then of course we talked for about 1.5 hours about how he felt, and you know, of course what I did to him

Lady Dea: please don't repeat this. I discussed with him alot and one time (some months ago) I put it to him straight "look, nobody is forcing you to take the pain. you are there by your own choice. I am no longer as worried for you because I know you understand your situation with clear eyes and are there of your own will. It is YOUR choice to stay. It is YOUR choice to hope for the best and take any pain that comes. "

the other day he repeated that to me in a way... he said something like "I know, I'm stupid, I'm the one that chooses to stay and try" he then explained he knew you are a good person and that he knows it could work.

Dark Angel: a person cannot be open like that and talk to him right now.......... or ever, it's just very difficult, he asked at one point how I felt, and I just casually said "Oh you know, some stuff's hurting, but it's all good"....... I didn't just mean like physically (my jaw and throat kinda hurt) I also meant emotionally, but he of course never said anything to find out more

oh yeah, he told me about that Dea, he umm... compared me to an "abusive husband" who hits his wife, and the wife keeps coming back, because she loves him and keeps making excuses for him...... and of course, he was the wife I'm not sure what made me feel sicker

that was of course when I came over Dea, ummm, on Sunday, is when he told me (I mean that part you just told ME) is the stuff he told me

Lady Dea: I dunno what I can say DA. I know that for example the breaking point for me and Rick was when I had my accident. one week till I got the new car he didnt even bother coming to visit (a taxi IS not a fortune). after that I knew inside that I could no longer live without the caring that I needed. it took me almost a year to accept the internal feeling... but I do believe that after that accident, only a miracle could have saved us. or Rick changing completely

he compared you to that? *laughs* I actually made that analogy but I specified "it's not a paralel to the relationship, it's a paralel for the idea of the fact that the pain is in a way your fault as well, not just hers"

Dark Angel: see, that's the sucky thing you know Dea....... at least with you guys you know, it was obvious, he TOTALLY didn't care about you, I came over to see Red as quickly as I could, woke up at 8 on Sunday and just came over, stopped off at Save on, bought him some goodies I knew he'd like, like cheesecake and some other stuff and soft buns.......... and of course I mean, gd........ well yeah, in the end it was good, but for the longest time I felt a made a huge mistake by coming

well, he said that, he didn't say what you said, etc. but yeah

Lady Dea: we are just friends... he has ZERO expectations from me, it's like you wouldnt get mad if I said a certain thing, but if Red said it, you'd be mad. I'm just a friend. I have no obligations in his eyes.

Dark Angel: no, I know that, that doesn't matter of course, just what he said, I don't know Dea, it's strange....... very strange, like I said, he changed a lot

Lady Dea: he did I would have never thought Red would say that to you.

Dark Angel: I know Dea.... neither did I....... I understand why he said it, and it's not like it wasn't warranted, and of course things changed from where he started fighting back more, but the thing is, I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY didn't need that, not now, he freaks out when I say "You don't understand how I feel".......... but DOES he, DOES he truly? would someone who understands say that? basically he said "I didn't want to put more on your shoulders with the accident" etc......... like it was the ACCIDENT that put more on me, I don't think so, he could have gotten into a billion accidents and it wouldn't have impacted me that way, I didn't know he was capable, until Sunday, of the stuff he said, did, the way he acted..... I think it opened my eyes, in a BAD way

here I was, I mean honestly doing my best to help him, and of course he was, well, a little cruel there, not that it wasn't warranted, but still, that's the point Dea.......... I LOVED him BECAUSE, even thought something was "WARRANTED", he was SPECIAL....... HE wouldn't say it....... a normal person would........... and then he said it

but I suppose the bottom line is also from his point of view, HE believed I still loved him enough to not abandon him like that, and he said that today.... he has lost all faith in that, all trust in me

Lady Dea: what did you say once about Red being a god? he's not... and he just showed it... is that hard to swallow?

auch... that's not good. if he lost hope that you actually love him... and if nothing changes... it's downhill from here on...

Dark Angel: no Dea, I don't think you understand, I don't care about him being a 'god'........ I care that he changed SO much, he's no longer the person I fell in love with

but seriously, if you think about it........ I hate myself, why would I want to be with someone like ME

I hang out with myself 24/7, I don't need to deal with me times 2

Lady Dea: *humms* you dont have to understand why someone would be with you... they're just dillusional... hopefully they'll be dillusional for a long time (that's what I tell myself sometimes... lol... I could tell you I would want to be with you, but I'm sure you'll either 1. take it as a joke 2. think that I'm lying)

hmmm... I'm sure if Red had that trust that you actually love him... he wouldnt act so.

Dark Angel: well no, I don't think you're lying, for some reason I find it easier to understand you than Red..... plus, even though I secretly believe that you're the "female" version of Red, it's not true........ there's another MAJOR differance, YOU'RE still a GIRL, and he's still a GUY, and THAT's as different as day and night in this case

Lady Dea: yes... it does make a huge difference.

Dark Angel: I know, but I can't show that to him when he's being majorly cold to me, I mean for cripe sakes, I had NO support WHATSOEVER during this PMS *sigh* that doesn't help me feel 'love' for him either

see, that's the thing, guys just don't understand PMS, no matter what..... they just don't, and I don't think they ever will *sigh* he just NEVER EVER knows what i want

Lady Dea: very bad timing... strong ppl don't break down very often. when they do, they expect full support and care. if they don't get it, they never open up again to the other person. totally unfair, but that is how it is.

Dark Angel: or need or what not

Lady Dea: I don't think guys will understand either... they are cursed

Dark Angel: yeah, good point, except that doesn't make the situation any easier of course

Lady Dea: of course it doesnt... he expected you to be like him when he needed something. that's a bit unrealistic since you are not like him in any way.

Dark Angel: I know Dea *big big sigh*

Lady Dea: and discussing all this with him wouldnt help?

Dark Angel: *sigh* he just left

all of what Dea?

Lady Dea: yep... after that accident... he must be pretty determined to get sleep

all of what you said to me

Dark Angel: but you know...... like I said, I honestly DO know how he feels.......... I know how HE feels when he says he doesn't believe ME, because I know how I feel when I read THIS / and I don't believe HIM:

"i just hope you're ok.... i know you're being strong.. but i can't really see past that on ICQ.. so if you need anything.. tell me ok sweetie? and if you're down... just share.. because as much as you care about me.. i care about you just as much.. so i would hate myself if my happyness came at the expence of yours *kiss* sweet dreams my tender one :) i love you *kiss*"

perhaps it would Dea, but I KNOW now is not the time..... he's still recovering, still has a billion things on his mind, not to mention work and everytihng else, he SSSOOOO doesn't need to hear how suck I feel

Lady Dea: why dont you believe that?

Dark Angel: because I just don't Dea, not after what happened and what he said before

Lady Dea: you're probably right that he doesnt need to hear that right now

he lost patience DA... but your happyness was always first.

Dark Angel: I mean, there is just no way in bloody HELL ANYTHING in this world would make me open up to him, that would take a miracle, ESPECIALLY right now, when, like I said, he doesn't need to deal with my shit

Lady Dea: do you think that if you ever told him... it would help or make things worst?

Dark Angel: oh it would help, but it would help HIM and not me, and the reason for that is simply because, I don't know Dea, I just....... can't trust him :( ok, I DON'T trust him

Lady Dea: do you think you can ever trust him?

Dark Angel: see, that's the bad news........ I don't think so, not after what happened on Saturday and Sunday

Lady Dea: would it be fair for me to ask you what do you intend to do then?

Dark Angel: I mean, I had about 50/50 trust in him before, but after what happened, I don't know it was just a HUGE ASS SHOCK......... it was something I TOTALLY didn't expect, I mean, holy crap you know

Lady Dea: even *I* am shocked.

Dark Angel: I honestly don't know yet Dea, obviously I have a LOT of thinking to do, right now I just want to be there for him, that matters more to me than anything

and I DO love him, otherwise I woldn't be crying all Sunday because I thought I might loose him and NOT because of what he said (althought that hurt like a bitch too) but still you know..... someone who loves you doesn't go to bed at 4 am the night before, wakes up at 8 to come over with 2 bags, walks to your house and tears her shoulder raw (from the bag of the strap) and puts her whole heart into your hands just to TRY and make you feel even a tiny bit better, if they don't love you

but I found this out a LONG LONG time ago, love is NOT enough, it makes me care for him deeply, but it doesn't make me want to let him touch my heart again.......... and as for the soul, that was lost to him a long long time ago, unfortunately my soul is strummed by the music only a romantic person can sing, and of course, that was lost a very long ago

'right' as I seem for him, I'm not, I told him today, sometimes I feel too much for my own good, and that's the bottom line........ and when you feel so much that the other person doesn't return the things you feel you need to cut it out before it consumes you

Lady Dea: yes... I dunno... you two seem perfect for eachother... seem to love eachother... but when it comes to showing to the eachother how you feel... you seem to fail. why is that? I dunno, you seem very hurt... he seems very hurt... not the greatest of situations to be in and want to stay in.

Dark Angel: I do believe that he loves me, and I DO believe that he cares for me....... but basically the way I see things is this way: I care for Patsy, and I care for Tina.... there is a certain amount that you actually SHOW you know, the amount he shows me is the amount I show Patsy and Tina, THAT amount is equal to 'friends' in MY eyes, I don't understand how he thinks he can possibly make a relationship work on that

by that same account, I just CANNOT, I can't, seriously, I tried, open up to JUST a friend, a friend who offers back the same amout of care that Red offers me, there has to be more care, I'm not sure how MUCH more % wise, I don't think it works that way, but for someone who's too busy to say "I love you" to you when you leave the house......... I'd say what he's showing is definately NOT enough for me to work with

and that's the thing I don't blame him, I KNOW he has a lot in his life, a lot on his plate and everything, he just has to stop fooling himself, believing he can take it ALL on at the same time

of course not

oh wow Dea, it's been wonderful talking to you, of course, cripes, you help a lot you know that *hugs you tight* but I should REALLY and HONESTLY let you get some sleep! and I will :) hehehe, cuz no matter how much I'll miss you by leaving now, I care about you a lot more than to let you go to sleep way late and be dead tired tomorrow! cripes :)

Lady Dea: yes... he CANNOT do everything. but I do fully understand where you are coming from and what you're saying

Dark Angel: and I think he doesn't understand that Dea you know.... he STILL keeps almost 'lying to himself'..... but we are different in that, when I'm in a relationship, I work like this, if I feel that I cannot give the person I'm with 100% (I don't mean 100% of my life, just myself and happiness, my heart and soul) then I have no business wanting to 'keep' that person with me

Lady Dea: I mean Rebecca cares for me... and she shows that the way I think everybody should. she comes home, first thing she tries to get in touch with me and say hi. then she does whatever she has to do and comes back to talk to me.

but this stuff either comes natural or it doesnt. I know I do that... I lavish the person with attention (which is not good since guys dont appreciate it... blah)

ahem Rebecca's online... I aint going nowhere

Dark Angel: wow, sweet dreams Dea :) I hope you can get some sleep soon, take care of yourself, seriously, we'll all really really miss you *big big hug*, me especially :) wow, keep in touch, have fun, relax lots, you now, be safe, hehehe *big big hug* and thank you so much for talking with me, it really brought a lot of things into perspective, a lot of things that were making me feel rather like I was mental

yeah, no, we do that as well for eachother, the problems occur with feelings mostly, not actions, we're never open with our feelings, as you've said before, which is absolutely true

oh wow, well, WHEN you get some sleep, wow, yeah, hehehe, I just can't believe you're leaving *big big hug* I'm off to sleep though, I don't want to leave you, but you're not alone at least, so that's nice :) aaaaahhhhhhh.... ok, I need to stop freaking out here

Lady Dea: *big big big hugz* I'm gonna miss you alot. and whenever you need talk to me. cause you know I'm not pushy

Dark Angel: but sweet dreams eventually Dea, you'll have to get some sleep! :) say hi to Rebecca from me if you'd like :)

Lady Dea: I will sweet dreams:P

Dark Angel: yeah, and you know, same with me of course, what's funny is, I can always help my friends, which just makes me feel good, and you're prime priority of course so fear not, just let me know when you'd like to talk *big big hug* take care *kisses you on the cheek*.... aaahhhhhhhh........ have a wonderful time Dea!!!!!!!!!! :)

sweet dreams :) have fun talking with Rebecca :) *hugs* and once more, have a wonderful time! and hopefuly talk to you, and see you soon :)

Lady Dea: go go go *little pinch* hehe

Dark Angel: aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh :) take care Dea

3:21 p.m.

Well, I definately noticed a change in Red. He's WAY WAY WAY less 'attentive' towards me as he used to be. I'm really beginning to hate things right now, I mean, what's next?

11:45 p.m.

I wish I was dead... *sigh*. Oh well, Red's b-day is tomorrow, must cheer up and feel good *sigh*.