November 27, 2002 - 11:05 a.m.

Up for reconsideration?
Mood:

I'm not really sure what was getting me down all day yesterday, I have a feeling a lot of it had to do with PMS, I sometimes have these 2 days where I can barely gather up the strength to lift my arms. I feel useless and "ill", in truth, just as depressed as I used to feel. In a way it reminds me of the past and then because I don't KNOW any better (that's what hormones can do to you, just like drugs) I sit there wondering why it came so suddenly. Depression never just "happens", if it does it's called "having a bad day". It's a progression of issues which never go away, issues which are beyond your control and then you get so desperate you feel that the only way out is to end it all and forever.

I take this time to reflect and be a little anti-social. Dea's been busy lately but I read her journal and I talked to her a little yesterday and discovered that she is indeed planning to get a tattoo this weekend. I really want to go but she already has someone coming with her and I have NO idea if I'll be able to! I have to look into my phone, the lingerie and my mom wants to go see a movie. Not to mention I should probably stick around here and help hang the X-mas lights (or at least find them all, hehehe... damn I really hate how messy our garage is, stuff's spilling out ALL over the place!). But back to the topic of body mods. It's weird, I sort of quit obsessing over stuff I want to get, even though there ARE 3 more things I do want, a little tat and a 2 more piercings, although I have a reason not to get either (besides monetary issues). The tattoo wouldn't be too expensive though, but the shitty thing is, I keep changing my mind, and BECAUSE I want ONLY one, it's a little difficult to decide... not to mention the fact that I keep changig my mind scares the shit out of me. It's weird though, because in a way, my piercings are kinda permanent.

Here's the progression of my tattoo changing mind starting with 16. I've wanted one since I was 16, I even went to a shop and thank GD they wanted ID AND 18. In any case, the first choice was something cute, a dolphin, or maybe a unicorn, I settled on some sort of dolphin design. At around 17 I came up with the paw print idea but then I thought that was a bit too boring so I started working out some tribal designs and beginning at 18 I was sort of thinking about lower back designs (this is when lower back tats were JUST beginning to hit the mass market of teen mania). And then, just like the VW Beatle, my obsesion wore off when I went to the beach and was accausted with a billion conformist people flaunting their ugly backsides in my face.... ssoooo I reconsidered my options. I sort of quit thinking about tats until 20 when I thought of combining my obsession with the Japanese culture in some way with a lower (or better yet a SIDE) back tattoo. I had the idea to sort of come up with a flowing design that had the look of a "scroll", with twigs coming up one side, Kanji characters and an actual artist's stamp in red. I mean like an ACTUAL scroll on my back. But that would require a lot more space on my skin than I was willing to devote so the tossup was between that and a Playboy bunny on the right side of my lower back.

But ever since Dea started getting inked, I've sort of thought a lot about what it means to me, and I still want a tattoo, perhaps I'll want one for the rest of my life, who knows. I'm just such a non-commited person, and yet I'm willing to (and have) permanently alter my body in OTHER ways, so I don't know WHAT my problem is. I guess in a way I almost came full circle. I'm still thinking about the paw print design and I found a VERY nice location for it quite by accident on BMEzine <- yup I still visit on a regular basis... that site and I have an insanely long relationship. Anyway, but the location is BELOW underwear line on a butt cheak. And this is a great location for several reasons. It's private, as are ALL my body mods (and besides a nose piercing) probably will ALL remain private forever, and I like my ass. But I'll see, I will probably get the piercings first.

But I shall be off, the plan is to start cardio at 12 and I still haven't picked a movie... *thinks*. I need something upbeat and good, uhhh... yeah, ok I know! I'm picking "Save the last dance". That's upbeat, nice music, etc. Wish me luck, I'll need it. I can barely feel my ass!

5:42 p.m. - Good reports.

Before Red gets here, I'd just like to say that I managed to do the entire 60 minutes of bike, yey. What's interestig is that I burned 50 more calories today than the last time (Monday) that I did cardio, weird. I feel energized and "good" though, so far I'm proud of myself but it's only Wednesday so I shouldn't talk. Anyway, and I took yet another quiz from Dea's journal, hehehe: