December 06, 2002 - 9:30 a.m.
To care or not to care?
Mood:
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Amidala of the moment: |
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2nd Amidala of the moment: |
Oh gd, I have to walk today and my leg is KILLING me! The back behind the knee somehow and now it's becoming the whole knee. I know it's the stupid rhumatism (sp?) but it's in a weird place that's for sure. I'm just trying to warm the room hoping it'll go away. I don't want to leave the house *pouts*. Oh well, lets hope I don't get held up for TOO long at the office, I don't even know WHY the fuck I need to come in but whatever, it might mean more work for me because it looks like the 50 hour site fell through and Red's not giving me any work, and I'm not even going to talk about Job #1, they hardly give me stuff anyway.
I'm just going to sit on the bed in a bit, try to warm up and relax my leg, damn. But yesterday was a bit messed up emotionally. Red worked until past 11 and when he got home I had to leave so I could get to bed a bit earlier and then he said "Yeah I should go as well I have to get up at 6:30" so I said, all right, and we left. I'm trying not to care but he seems to work like 70% of the afternoons now later than 6 pm, but that doesn't bother me nearly as much as yesterday because he wasn't home the ENTIRE day and even though I was busy, I had time in the afternoon and he kept not answering my messages so I was bored and I left. Oh well, I guess I felt a little more "romantic" yesterday than I should have. Sometimes I think about stuff like that and it hurts that it's been missing in my life for YEARS now and that I can't really feel anything, but how am I supposed to? If he wants me to fall in love with him HE will have to take the first step and he already said that he's happy loving me the way he is now, which is fine. He just confuses me sometimes, he says "I love you" one day and then leaves my house and even the next morning he doesn't say it... it just seems so unnecessary, as if he only says it when he forgot he wasn't supposed to. Like I said, I'm trying not to care or think about it because it DOES hurt, not him, just like I said, the lack of deep feelings and romance and all that in my life, it really sucks. I know I'll never be the person I used to, I'm way more cynical and colder now, but sometimes, like today and yesterday a bit of the old me creeps up and I think about this stuff and feel everything I used to, and then I open my eyes and it's back to the real world, where stuff like this only happens in fairy tales...
7:10 p.m. - Oh my gd.
I must be nuts, I did sssoo much today, and yet it feels like nothing because I didn't get payed for it I guess? I dunno, lol. In any case. I made it to the meeting, very exciting. The new website is for Alex Madison, a brand which owns more than half of the top New York designer brands it's NUTS, and this is their first site, BIG BIG BIG exposure *drools*. I can't BELIEVE he picked me, I think I need to REALLY kiss his ass for this one. I mean, damn, if I say I designed te site for Alex Madison, shit. I'm also secretly hoping they'll make me do the new Jennifer Aniston site when it comes up for a re-design, I would DIE if that happened, well ok not LITERALLY, just faint, lol.
Plus I'm so keeping my fingers crossed because the project leader from job #3 said that I could potentially get some free bikinis out of it, maybe, and we're talking like 100, 150 american and up for each one! Best designs all over Europe, cripes, ok ok, I gotta calm down, I guess he found my weakness, I'll do ANYTHING for bikinis *drools*.
But lets, see, so then after the meeting, which finished at around 12:40, I walked up to the little store who's name I totally forgot but WAS on their shopping bag, oh well. My bag was still there so I snatched it up and talked to the salesgirl, she was so cute, dark hair, kinda gothy and very nice, I asked if they had any Emily keychains but they only had the ones I didn't want and the one I already ordered online lol. The bag came to like 52 bux Canadian (with taxes) which DUH wasn't worth it compared to the 20 bux american it was sold for on the Emily site but that teaches me a lesson there so go figure. Then I went out and pondered going into the store right next door with these cuteass car huggies (I call them that because they feel and look like no matter WHAT they're doing they're giving you a hug, they're these little anime animals on suckers you're supposed to stick on the inside window of your car). This is just in case one day I GET a car, lol, they're hanging in my window in the meantime, I'll post a pic of them. I found 2 I wanted, the kitty and MashiMaro (Marshmellow, the bunny), but they didn't have Hamtaro! That's fine though I'm sure I can find it one day, I love the 2 ones I decided to get anyway.
When I was done I walked around the corner to Charlie's, I forgot how kool that place was and some GREAT prices on used DVD's, but I didn't find any I was dying to see so I didn't end up getting any, oh well, maybe next time. Then I rushed home. The ride on the SkyTrain was INCREDABLE. As it drove past all of my old, familiar places, out of Vancouver it slowly descended into a field of fog. At one point I couldn't see further than the track beside us, just the trees next to the track. It was interesting and I started noticing details I've never seen before. Little wires on the tops of warehouses, cracks here and there, the fact that they were expanding this massive cemetary, and all this a couple of feet away, because the fog had swollowed everything else. I noticed the trains winding their away across the tracks, and the apartment buildings facing a river they could no longer see, and every building and tree disappearing into its ghost shadow as we passed, becoming fainter and then vanishing into a void of size no longer comprehendible by the brain. It was strange to see the shore, and a bit of the water and then nothing, like a painter with an unfinished painting, waiting to draw the rest of the water and the shore on the other side. The world is so vast and parallel that only fog, which cuts off more than half of this view, lets us focus on details we otherwise miss.
When I finally got to the bus stop I didn't have to wait that long for the bus so I just played a game on the cell and when I got home I discovered a check waiting for me from the Subjob that my mom didn't even TELL me about! I was like, oh FUCK, cuz I saw it there for 2 days but didn't think it was for me cuz it was on HER desk! So I snatched it up and run to the comp to send the guy a receipt which Red had to help me with cuz I've never made one, I knew SORT of what to put in there but whatever, then I printed it out and signed it. Meanwhile I had to do what Job #3 guy asked for, a list of my fave clothing sites and layouts so he could look through them and get some ideas and give me feedback on where he'd like the design to go. Of course he picked the best person, I mean, what's scairy is that I knew 13 clothing sites off by heart (I mean their URL's, lol) so I punched them in, checked the layout, wrote some comments and sent it off to him.
I cleaned my room, wrapped one of the gifts for tomorrow's Job #3 Christmas party, switched my stuff (wallet, candy, comb, makeup) to the Emily bag and put the other one away, re-hung my Betty Boop pin-up tin sign on the wall and I'm hoping it'll stay there this time. I talked to Red lots, and Dea some, poor Dea is worried about her gf Dowah who we all suspect has an ovarian cyst and isn't doing too well. I read her journal and I told her that I hope she's all right, but with the medicare the way it is in the states it'll be a while before she even gets a test because everything costs a TON of money! I mean, do you have to be like DEAD for someone to help you??? It's madness!
Red showed me the Elks site for approval, then I finished off some banners for Job #1, rushed down into the kitchen at around 6:30 to rescue the rest of that nasty rice pilaf which had turned even GROSSER overnight. I dumped everything into a wok with some mashrooms and eggs and a TON of soya sauce and hoped for the best. What's funny is, it turned out great! I was so proud of myself, and now more than half of it's gone because my dad came home and ate some and I'm sure my mom will like it so she'll have a lot as well. I hate wasting food and I KNOW nobody would end up eating it, we'd just throw it out so either way I could test some new rice dish with it because if I failed it would just end up in the garbage like it would have. On top of it all, I managed to clean the entire kitchen and fry tofu. It's Friday and supposed it's that fast thingy for Christians where you can't eat meat (my dad was pissed off about that so he told me, lol). I don't pay attention to it for obvious reasons but I guess it's nice to make something for her that isn't meat (as if I'd cook meat *starts laughing*).
And now I have a couple more things to do, help mom with groceries when she gets here at 8 (I'm such a fuck too I'm TOTALLY out of conditioner and I forgot to Email her to get me some :( ...), then she probably won't want to go for a walk with the dog so I'll probably end up working out at around 10 or so. I have that hour on the bike left so from 10 until 11 and then talk to Red and Dea I suppose, if she's still around.
11:02 p.m. - After Braveheart...
Why my heart doth falter now when I need it most? It's like there are two sides of me, the strong one, needing to fight for the world and then there's the woman, overcome with emotion. Many a hero was made from a martyr and went to war because of her. The whole movie is based on love and romance and the roles speak mountains of words, what a man would do for a woman, and what a woman would do for love and passion.
Do not abandon, this heart of mine
That beats the rhythm of my soul
It speaks to you a thousand lives
When all I ask for one, not more
11:28 p.m. - Sssooo full.
I just ate one banana and a bowl full of grapes, mmmm, and I STILL want more, at least another 2 bananas but I'm so full I wouldn't even be able to fit ONE. I did finish the 1 hour on the bike thing, so yey, I didn't miss any workouts this week and my mom and I went for a 30 minute walk with the dog because I made food so she had some extra time. She told me she's lost some weight and is now the weight she wanted to be so I'm happy for her, I told her it must be our walks and she said yes, that and eating less, I just shrugged and she said, "I also started eating less you know. Didn't you see me eat less?" I was like, "Umm... no you know we don't eat together that often." And she said, "Well I do, eat less that is." I was like, ok. I sort of don't pay attention to how much ppl eat, you eat as much as you feel you need to, but then where does that leave me? Hehehe, I get to eat MORE *drools*. Why did I have to be born with a passion for food? *Sigh*, I'm doomed to be fat forever, or else forever struggle to be skinny.
I shall be off now, I'm feeling a bit more romantic so I'm going to put up some new pix on the rotator I won't say what, I guess whoever reads this crap will find out soon enough when the page refreshes. All I have to say is, the pix I'm adding make me feel like I definately want THAT in my life. That kind of burning intensity and romantic passion, I guess, well... I want to be in love.
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