June 09, 2003 - 2:23 p.m.

Not sure what I should write about...
Mood:

I know I ended briefly yesterday but I had to head out and get the door for Red and then when I came back at night I didn't have the energy to sit there writing about Leekia's b-day. I felt a little aloof anyway, aloof, uptight, I don't know what my problem was. Maybe it was the fact that when we arrived Red sat down and started talking to everyone while I sort of stood there trying to decide if I should just leave for the bathroom and I guess let him socialize. This wasn't the first time he didn't grab the chair for me, but THIS time I really felt it. He used to be so "gallant" when it came to things like that, I guess I don't blame him for not doing it NOW, even though he did invite ME, and not the other way around.

It still bothers me though that he doesn't correct ppl when they assume we're going out. I'm not going to embarass him so I know better than to say something. I still believe that holding hands and saying "this is my girlfriend (or whatever)" is a privelage granted only to those who are willing to put in enough thought into everything they do to make the person feel special enough to want to BE in a relationship to begin with.

4:16 p.m.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention... I decided to take a full week off from working out since I reached my last week (the "goal" week). I'm starting up next week but I think I need a little break. I've been doing pretty much next to nothing today, except for cleaning out my closet, cleaning up a bit here and there, talking to Dea for a bit and looking for Tiffany stuff on eBay. Although I just decided to forgo buying Tiffany's and wait for someone to do it for me for the very simple reason that: how "special" would it be if I bought it for myself... enough said.

I think I need to go away now. I keep getting fixated on this one entry I found by accident. Google robots crawl through journals and even though this entry/journal no longer exists it was catched somewhere in their system. It's earily "stagnant"... like a snapshot in time *sigh*, and it's probably the saddest thing I've read in a very very long time.

***

Thursday, January 9th, 2003

4:44 pm - ..Goodbye to you..
This will be my final entry, Spencer my love, my life, my everything of 3 years had complications in surgery wednesday and later passed away in his sleep..holding my hand. The pain I feel at this point is overcoming and just wanted to thank everyone who's been in my life I love you you've helped me through this, but this is the hardest thing I have ever been forced to deal with. My life has been put on hold, I am not sure when I will return back to Berkshire, although I do miss you all and I know the loss of Spence is not just killing me. At this point his family is preparing for his funeral and I am just staying home until I can begin my life again...Spence's mom found in his desk drawer a a pink diamond ring from Tiffany's the note inside read:

Elle, my everything I love you more than you will ever know and we will be together for eternity. You make me want to get up in the morning and make something for myself, I don't know where I would be without you, this ring signifies my deep love and need for you and our 4 year anniv. (didn't include the end)

Love always,
Spencer

Our four year anniversary is tomorrow Friday, January 10th...I cannot believe I am not spending it with him he had the greatest life ahead of him..and we had the greatest life in front of us. I will miss you all and thank you to kept spencer in your prayers *cannot express what you all mean to anyone who knew him*

Love always,
Elle

--Why does God take away people you love so early in life, he had so much ahead of him, but I know he will always be with me and I with him--

*..Never let your head fall, live life to the fullest you never know when it is going to end..*

current music: Tears in Heaven

***

It's funny but, after that I read through whatever entries were in the journal but going from end to beginning and it's almost like there is no indication, nothing that you would think could possibly lead up to what happened. It just DID. But I guess that's life. One moment you're the happiest person in the world, in your own little mind, and the next EVERYTHING changes and the world you once knew gets turned upsidedown. So whoever reads this... if you are in love with someone, or even if they're just a friend, go tell them you love them because you never know, tomorrow you may not get that chance.