June 10, 2003 - 9:46 a.m.

Breakfast at Tiffany's
Mood:

I got caught up with Stacy's journal again. She's such a sweetheart but having problems with her mom. It's weird because when I was reading her stuff I kept on remembering what it was like when I went through that and I couldn't help thinking, cripes... this is all happening again, so strange. I remember when I was JUST turning 18 and thinking she wouldn't be able to bug me about sleeping over at Red's house because I did it before then 2 times and she finally freaked out and told me to cut it out. So when I turned 18 I packed my junk and told her I'd be back the next day... she freaked, and I mean in a BAD BAD way. After that I was sort of afraid to ask for a while so we'd go on trips just to be together because we needed to go to sleep in eachother's arms. It felt so good waking up in the morning, so safe and wonderfully refreshed, and no matter WHAT you're expecting to happen that day, even something you dread, doesn't seem as evil as when you're waking up alone.

Not to mention, parents are so dumb. Especially when they have a "different" marriage, they don't understand what it's like to actually WANT to spend every moment with this person. They moved in because it was convenient and possibly "appropriate" after they got married, I'd move in because being apart is killing me. I went over to Red's on Sunday and his grandmother was upstairs in the kitchen so we talked for a bit and she was saying how her and her husband STILL talk like the day they first met because they're best friends and she said she loves taking walks with him and they talk for hours. I thought that was so sweet. I think I'm REALLY looking forward to having a relationship like THAT and just being able to be with the one you love whenever you wish.

Another reason I think parents freak out is because they see their children falling in love with someone else and lavishing attention on THEM. My mom was a nasty bitch to me for the better part of 3 years when I met Red. I'm trying to give her more of my time but she STILL gives me that evil eye when she sees Red come by more than 2 times per week. And even though she doesn't freak out over me sleeping at his house anymore, she still manages to give me a hard time about it. Maybe that's why Stacy's mom is freaking out more than usual *sigh*. That plus she's afraid of the whole sex issue but is also afraid to bring it up so she's just letting it stew and takes it out on her. I simply can't understand people who refuse to talk about things and then don't realise that the REASON they're being bitchy about ONE thing is because of a deeper reason having to do with something completely different.

Gd I'm so freaking out right now though. I got yelled at at work. I think I'm also considering getting a part time job but for some reason I want one with a friend but Tina already HAS a job... I don't know. Maybe I can fix something up with Red and start coming into the office to do stuff. I know I wouldn't mind that. He's been such a sweetheart to me lately though. I felt ssooo terrible yesterday (and still do today), and I dunno there's an e-mail in my inbox right now I'm afraid to look at *shudders*. I better go though... I'm feeling so shitty right now.

He told me these little stories of us living together. Cripes, it's so funny but even though I wish for ALL of these things they're dreams of "feelings"... not what I actually WANT to happen, just the feelings I want to get from them. I want to live in WR sure, but I want to live in one of those fixer upper cute beach homes cascading over the mountain. We saw some of those houses and most people would frown on them but I can just imagine myself painting each room, hell doing the carpet myself (I'd probably only need to call someone in to do the floors). I don't know, fixing things up top to bottom and then giving everything else this "mermaid house" feel. Maybe put a net on the fence... lots and lots of flowering viny flowers. I could get those from my mom *sigh*. And just making sure the house is small enough so that 2 people could NEVER get lost in there, but big enough so that you could ALWAYS be together doing things in the kitchen, eating, watching TV, then walking along the beach.

I like old houses, old beach houses, as long as I'm not afraid of stuff caving in or blowing the fuses. But it's just a "shell", the rest can be fixed. Red and I were talking a bit more extravagant yesterday... being utterly wealthy and being able to do and buy anything and go anywhere. I told him this one story about him whisking me away in a private jet and taking me to Bloomies and then us spending a wonderful night in an upscale hotel in one of the penthouse suites, and then "Breakfast at Tiffany's"... getting jewelry, talking and cuddling, but then going back to a simple life? *Sigh*. I want a simple life... but full of wonders and surprises and romance, but most importantly to feel like you CAN take not being torn apart each night for granted.