July 05, 2003 - 10:44 a.m.

Lonely girl.
Mood:

Every time I go to write in here lately I stop myself, because it's usually in the evening when I feel alone and when nobody wants to talk to me, INCLUDING Red. Then I think, "What the hell's the point?" Even if I write about every depressing thought I had it's not going to make a differance, nothing ever does.

This past week was kind of though, except for Canada day on Wednesday, the rest of the week I had a LOT of work to catch up on so I couldn't talk to anybody, and no time to e-mail, no time to write, nothing. Then yesterday I worked the ENTIRE day until finally I was told that one of my designs was completely rejected (and of course the way he fucking TOLD me sucked ass too), so I nearly cried and said, screw this I'm working on it on Monday. I couldn't talk to anybody of course so I end up internalizing everything. I mean, what am I supposed to say to people who are never around, and like I said, I used to depend on Red but I can't do that anymore either. During that time he disappeared for about 3 hours, never said WHERE he was going or when he'd be back, so by the time he returned I felt dejected and he didn't even asked if anything was wrong until about 4 hours after that. So I mean, what am I supposed to do but say, fuck it, and go on living my life the way I used to for the past 17 years, all alone.

And then I had a silent conversation with myself, because again, there's no one else to talk to. I was trying to figure out if I DO care, or if I'm putting up a front, but really what it comes down to is that I'm just too tired and dejected to care. Maybe if I had more energy, but then it's just a waste. When I HAD more energy all I ended up was getting hurt (yup I'm depressed right now so I may not really know if what I'm saying is right or not).

I did end up talking to Patsy yesterday though. He's a good person to talk to when you're feeling bad because he's so "bubbly" it makes you forget your troubles for a moment. Of course it never solves anything, but at least he doesn't *sigh* at me like fucking Red does so it's easier for me to ACT happy around him. Besides, I never show how I really feel to people I'm not 100% comfortable with, I mean, why bother?

Yesterday was fucked up. My mom and I went for a walk with Bandit and he got stung by a bee. It happened before so I was a little worried this time because he could have gotten an allergic reaction. Then I couldn't find the stinger and he kept SNAPPING at me and going mental so I had to muzzle him, and STILL couldn't find it. Then we came home and my dad had to come in and hold him down and I finally found it and got it out but not before being snapped at like nuts (thank god I trust him enough not to actually BITE me). He went crazy for like the longest time and I told my mom not to feed him, so of course about an hour later he threw up (I'm so glad for my foresight). Then I think he had an upset stomach and threw up again, but I checked his temp and heart and he seemed ok so there was no reason to take him down to the hospital. He just lay there licking his leg and growling at us (but me in particular because I was the one trying to actually get the stinger out and hold him down).

In the evening I tried to carry him out to pee but by then he could walk so he followed me. I put my hands under his body to pick him up and he growled at me again, I was like, fuck you. So I'm ignoring him today. This sort of I guess made me decide that I'm not getting a dog after all. I don't want another thing in my fucking house hating me, plus somehow no matter WHAT I do everything ends up liking my shitty parents more. So maybe I AM the fucking terrible person everyone says I am. I think the only animals who like me are the ones who aren't my own. So what's the point. I have enough licking and meowing at Red's house to last me a lifetime. They'll NEVER run out of pets. Maybe when I get sick and tired of the world I'll move into a lighthouse and have 5 cats and 3 dogs. Out of all of them, ONE is bound to take to me.

Maybe I just need to find the right animal, who knows. I just think I'd make a terrible mother so go figure *sigh*.

Besides, even if I tried to have a dog here that's the thing, my parents would spoil it and it's BOUND to gravitate towards them. I'm pretty strict, like, don't feed the dog at the table, groom the dog, give the dog a bath, clip the dog's nails, take the dog to the vet, feed it nutricious stuff. If this was a kid, it'd hate me for most of its life until it realised that everything I did ACTUALLY helped in the end and they'd thank me. But dogs don't work like that. They just hate you because they think you're trying to be mean to them. Nobody brushes their teeth in the wild.

Oh well, fuck this. I'm going away to sulk and clean the house, maybe it'll make me feel better, who knows.