July 17, 2003 - 9:14 p.m.

Chasing Amy.
Mood:

Cripes I'm tired. WAY WAY too much work. The only break I had was about 30 minutes I took off to talk to Tina because we haven't spoken in FOREVER. But again, more mulah. I need to buy a keyboard/mouse set since I practically broke mine and I don't think my keyboard has been the same since I threw it at the wall, poor thing. I'm finally done though. Some more work left for tomorrow and then weekend. Damn... I deserve this nice relaxing weekend.

I'm watching "20/20" now though, they're talking about Angelina Jolie. I love her, she's awesome. She did an interview with Barbara Walters, so down to earth and honest. She even asked about her "female affair" to which Angelina replied, "Yes I did, I never denyed that." Then Barbara asked her, "Would you consider yourself bi?" And Angelina said, "I consider myself to be myself. I think it feels right for me to be with whomever I choose to love." Then Barbara said, "But it's not 'right' for everyone." Angelina, "No, it's not, but it's right for me."

She's TOO kool. She's also a huge knife collector which is neat because Barb asked her about that too and WHY she collects knives to which she replied, "Because I'm FASCINATED with other cultures and history and the whole honour thing and I guess knives reflect that for me. They're not these shiny knives you buy in a store. They're old, with a past, and I keep them behind glass."

Interestingly enough I think women are a lot more fascinated by the whole "sword/knife" culture. I'd buy them all if I could.

There are so few actors and actresses out there that kick ass. I know I'm biased to the select few I DO like, but so what, lol. I also didn't know Angelina used her knives for other purposes when she was younger... Barb cut her off and said, "So you could FEEL?" I thought that was funny, Angelina nodded but she didn't say anything else. That's not the biggest part of it, the biggest part is sheer fascination with the whole "I am in control of my body" thing. It's hard to explain. I RARELY hurt myself because I wanted to "feel". It was either because I was insanely mad or fascinated. And Angelina Jolie is one of those people. You either self hurt because you need to FEEL, or you do it because you're fascinated and you want to see how far you can go.

I also thought I'd mention Chasing Amy. GREAT movie. It was hard to catch up with the whole trilogy because the last time I saw Mallrats was probably 4 years ago, but Red helped me. I was like, WHO THE HELL IS THAT?? And he's like, "She was the slut remember?" I thought that was funny. The movie ROCKS MAJOR ASS though. The whole Ben Affleck character was so dense I couldn't believe it. Silent Bob aparently waited THIS long to say something AMAZING and the moron basically missed the whole point. I was so pissed off. I couldn't believe what he proposed at the end. Poor girl, if I was her I'd run out of there asap. What an awesome movie though. Not to mention, again, some great dialogue and lots of interesting topics. I like movies that make me feel like what I say/feel makes a lot of sense to someone else as well.

9:45 p.m.

I think I'm getting my mom hooked on my routine. She's tanning now. Wants me to buy her my tanning cream and wants me to get her some Redken stuff and she's already into my makeup. That's so funny. I just recommended a soft hold styling gel for her. I told her it would keep her hair from going too soft and "sleek" so that she can style it. This stuff is TOO kool. It changes the texture of your hair so that it makes flipping it out or curling easier, and then it stays that way. I think my next purchase is some good shampoos. They're still having that sale at the salon I think so I'll get my ass down there this weekend.

Damn I need to shop. HOPEFULLY Red and I can go this sat. I'm DYING here! I need sssooo much stuff. Need to buy some more makeup too. A pink eyeshadow, but one I can also use to highlight my cheeks, so hopefully nothing TOO shimmery, and a nice pink nail polish to match, again, not too shimmery. Then maybe a lipstick, who knows. I want something in the pink/peach hue. VERY natural and "nude".

And ANY clothes! Gd, I need everything. Tops, bottoms. I just hope I don't feel ugly and fat. I hate buying pants, I'm a fucking blimp down there so damn, I'm going to feel so aweful. Oh well, must get past that *shudders*. Oh and bath products. I'm using my mom's sandalwood soap because I basically run out of every bath product I've ever owned. I thought that was kinda funny actually. The only thing around my tub area is a face cloth and my shampoo/conditioner. I'm feeling extremely sporadic. Although I'm on a mission to use up every product in the house, stuff I no longer use, because my ENTIRE gd damn house is filled with crap I no longer use (since I found a new routine). Speaking of new routine... I think I need some awesome face cream again. I know I've mentioned that but I keep forgetting to stop by some counters at The Bay. Besides, I should probably get a facial and have something recommended first but that's never going to happen. I have enough problems trying to get hair done, lol.

Damn. I better go do abs. I did ask Dea though why she decided to get married NOW. I told Red and we talked a bit and he asked that question, "Why NOW? What will it change?" I don't want to speak out of context here but Dea has always said that they were "married". I asked her wether waiting until they move in together and settle in wouldn't be a BETTER time. People think I'm bitter about marriages. No, I'm smart about a life altering decision. People don't take marriages seriously enough. A while back (before Dea announced her wedding), Red and I talked and we both agreed that a marriage should be a celebration of all the GOOD things in your life, and this should include "settling old debts", so to speak. Never go into a marriage with a lie, or unsettled business. And in a way I feel Dea and Dowah would be doing JUST that. I feel that they should let their parents know REGARDLESS. Of course, that being said, living together already would be a huge bonus because if your parents freak out on you and decide they hate you and would never DREAM of coming to your wedding, then that becomes THEIR choice. Don't make choices for others, even those you feel you know best should be given the right to choose.

That being said, I don't claim to understand WHY Dea chose this particular time, that's why I asked. I'm curious. But most importantly I want to know that she's going into this realising fully that this IS a life changing decision. That this isn't an engagement, it's the "real thing". And I know Dea's past and that she's been engaged before and things didn't work out, and I also wanted to ask, why DID you get engaged back then? Did it not ALSO feel 100% right? Why did things NOT work out in the end? If your intent was marriage... how would you feel today if you went through with it? KNOWING today that if you had married one of these people you were previously engaged to, that things would have probably ended in divorce.

I'm not going to ask, "Why DOWAH?" (Why wasn't it the other people you were engaged to). That's such a silly question. But I AM going to ask, "Why not WAIT?" What are you afraid of?

I have very strong opinions on the whole childbearing / marriage process, and perhaps in the end I COULD end up like Angelina Jolie. I almost fainted when Barb asked her if she'd want to get married again, she said, "No. I honestly don't think marriage is right for me you know. It's just not me. I've been in so many relationships, and I've had WONDERFUL friendships but I just don't think I'm meant for the whole marriage thing." She also added something to the effect of, "Of course, I say that now but you never know right..." Which is true, lol.