August 05, 2003 - 12:06 a.m.

Red and I, Part II.
Mood:

I just finished watching Frida with my mom. What an insane movie. I'm so glad we went to the gallery to see her work otherwise I probably wouldn't have gotten more than half of it! It's not a tough movie to "get", even if you haven't seen any of her work before, but it's a lot easier to figure out what the symbolic and metaphoric things refer to when you've seen her paintings (most of which weren't even shown in the movie).

Obviously my only problem seeing it with my mom was her constant comments of, "Gd... that woman's nuts." I wonder what she'd say if I told her, "You have no idea, she is more like me than you could ever imagine." Except for everything physical that she went through, however, in the end, all pain is the same pain. All roads lead to the same place and every thought becomes a memory.

But then there was her husband, Diego, which by all accounts the gallery did NOT go into detail (since this wasn't his show after all). I truly understand how they felt about eachother. It was nice to gain some insight into their relationship. I was awed by her character and then thought of Red.

And of the last time I wrote something bad about him here and how long ago that was. Sure there are some things that still bother me, but as the months go by they become less and less, more and more trivial. It's almost like, the more I understand him, the less "wrong" I see in him.

We took this online quiz yesterday and I almost thought it was a little comical. I knew what the outcome would be of course, and I answered every one of the questions with the most "favourable" answer, almost as if I WANTED that person to be "my guy", only he WAS, and I almost expected to see "Your answers point to an impossible man. Such a man does not exist. We were only testing you to see what you would DREAM of in your wildest imaginings. But dream on princess, because the fantastic answers you gave us are just that, a fantasy.

Of course, when I pressed the button the only thing we saw was "Your guy is a keeper", how amusing. Then I went through each one of the questions and even though I chose the first answer that came to mind, I now analyzed them and realised that ALL of my answeres were based on past experiences with Red.

Does your guy take care of you when you're sick? Would he run down to get you medicine in the middle of the night, then take off early from work just to come keep you company and make sure you're ok. And of course Red did that for me, more than once. Does he buy you thoughtful and romantic gifts? Again, that's been proven more than once... not to mention, he doesn't even need help in that department. To me this shows that he HAS been paying attention and somehow that shows a lot of care. I think it's wonderful.

Does he listen to you when you need to talk, or zone out, give you a nice massage after a tough day? Once more, that's been proven multiple times, in fact, I think Red does little else but listen, poor guy, hehehe. I talk too much. Is he sensative to your needs (as in... bed)? And of course, in that department I need never comment on the negative. In fact, I'm pretty sure if it wasn't for Red I would have most likely rejected this form of physical contact for good.

Does he give you space to hang out with friends? Ample, he'd never mind, even if it meant ditching him at the last moment. I'm not sure what else there was, but I'm sure the answers were all positive. It's tough to fanthom that with ALL that we've been through, in the end, everything ended on a good note. The more I learn the better I become, and the more I realise that I NEED to know, I NEED to have an answer, I need to understand.

I know it's impossible to be perfect, but I know that at the moment he deserves so much more than me. It's easy for me to make excuses because "we're not together", but technically it's also easier for me to live with them because I'm not "in love with him". But more and more I've been making less and less excuses. Everything seems trivial, or... after a short while, can be explained as a simple misunderstanding. I'm actually astonished to realise how many times I've gotten angry unnecessairly. Maybe I need to learn to tell him how much he means to me really. I have a feeling his faith in my love for him is growing weaker, but the strange thing is... sometimes it feels like I'm falling deeper and deeper in love with him.