August 18, 2003 - 1:41 a.m.

This is now, that was zen.
Mood:

1:39 a.m., what am I doing up? Why can't things work? Red just dropped me off at home but with all of these whirrling thoughts in my head I can't possibly fall asleep. I lit a candle, I forgot the name of the flower but I know it's white and frilly, and I'm too lazy to look underneath. I also realised I chose the wrong scent to sprinkle onto my bed, Zen Garden's Tea & Oranges, perfect to clarify your mind and spirit. I should have chosen lavender or something. Even vanilla would have been better suited for this time of night.

But speaking of Tea & Oranges (thank you Patsy), I found out they expanded into a new line of products. They now have another scent line Tea and some other flower and a line for men. They also make body sprays so I ordered myself one of those from my fave "home decorating" type store. I love that store. Didn't know they sold Zen Garden but it does make sense, they sponsor really awesome products like that.

So amidst this wonderful cloud of smells I sit, looking at the drifting candle. The window almost entirely open and me in a tanktop and underwear. I'm thinking about the flower arrangement that's on the mantle downstairs. I love it. I think the 170 odd bux was worth it, and now I know where to come back for my other arrangements and fountains and things. I have my eye on a particular "sonic" fountain however the lady in the store informed me that they would have a new line coming in from San Fran from one of the shows they went to, so I'll wait to see those. Although now that I think about it, I could have used the quiet serenity of that fountain *sigh*.

The weekend was wonderful though (despite me forgetting my makeup and lotion - I ended up buying some Almay). I slept over at Red's house, wrote my work letter. Saturday was a bit of a long day. Had to clean the house and then my mom and I left to look at furniture. We found some great couches and bar stools, and I showed her the stuff I wanted to order online, she especially loved the shoji tables.

Today we relaxed and took it easy. Went for breakfast with Red's parents, drove around some then went to the mall where I picked up shapoo and some hair treatments. The saloon still had their sale so that made me happy. I should make an appointment with Juli though for next week. Need to get my hair touched up.

There's so much I want to write and yet so many bubbling thoughts in my head I have no idea how to do it properly. Everything is swirrling around in a giant mess and it's hard for me to describe how I feel. Maybe tomorrow. I did notice though that in relationships, tables tend to turn. Sometimes you feel one way, and then over the course of a few years your partner ends up feeling the way you did way back when.

And then there's always patterns. I have a theory that basically every person goes through an incredibly tough time in their relationship, but basically tough enough to make you question wether working through it is worth it in the long run. For most people this happens a year after they get together, and because a lot of these people get married during this time they also came up with a cliche, "Yup... we got married and then everything went to hell."

What they don't realise is that several factors play into this equation and a lot of which they have very little control over, ie. natural change and of course chemicals. Studies have been done on the "love" chemical and scientists discovered that its effects tend to wear off after about a year or two of two people being together. The second factor is change. People change, and the strange thing is, people tend to MEET their partners while already in the process of and already major change in their life, so it's not a surprise that in 1 to 2 years that change will come to fruition.

So what is to become of all of this? You run into problems which could potentially last years, and in the end the last truth remains: if it's worth it, you need to LEARN to love the person once more, but not the way you did before, where the love came so easily. Where it snuck up on you unannounced.

This time you have to learn to love the person as they are. Seeing their little imperfectionis in a new light. Comming to terms with things, sharing, understanding, re-discovering yourself, re-descovering your partner, and then both of you together. Somehow to me that is even more special than falling in love for the first time. Where the effort is so unconscious you're hardly aware of it at all. This time you can feel every nuance, every touch as it flows through your veins, bringing with it new found passion, and because you've experienced it before you wait for it in anticipation, and when it finally comes you feel all the more rewarded.

The first time is almost rather blinding. One feeling sometimes, and then it's gone forever. And you have no idea how to get it back. The first kiss... and then it's never the first kiss again. But by falling in love for the second time, learning to love, you also learn to kiss again. To kiss like every kiss is a first kiss.

For some people these hard times fall upon them much later in a relationship, having children can be a huge strain, and you may have to learn to love someone who is going through a multitude of changes, and your love will change with them, because in order to grow strong and stay together (much like a tree), your love must grow and bend with the wind or else a larger gust could snap you in half.

In retrospect, a lot of people seem to miss the point entirely. I felt I've been missing it for the longest time (I don't think I'm immune to being ignorant, hehehe). They miss the point when it comes to relationships, but can they truly be blamed when they learn what a relationship is from TV, books, and what they only GLIMPSE from their parents? They see the "Jack Dawson" and fall in love, but they don't see that he is after all human, and with that he has his own faults. What if he refuses to wash his socks?

And even with two of the happiest parents in the world there probably lies a past that was close to them parting their ways. So everyone grows up looking at things from the outside, missing the whole picture (which is often almost impossible to grasp), and only through experience can you learn the (oftentimes) SHOCKING truth. That nothing is ever perfect, and everyone has their ups and downs, but when you feel in your heart that something is worth it, you will stand by your partner no matter what. And I think that's what it really boils down to. That underlying love and the feeling that you could never live without this person.

Sometimes people seem to sacrifice more than they should, but I applaud their selfless nature. The selfless people will be granted all riches, and if sacrificing a part of yourself means that you can save an entire person wouldn't you do it? I know someone who did that for me, Red. And I will be forever grateful to him. He is by far the most selfless person I know.

Well, that was my little blurb. Go forth and be selfless, loving and caring, in the end, nothing wrong will come of a much lighter soul. If you can be someone's angel, that is reason enough to try.

10:04 p.m.

I've been reading Dea's journal lately and sometimes I have to wonder if she's saying some of the things she's saying with me in mind. I know she replies to what I write, and I know our views on relationships are different but I also haven't known her to approach me if she has a problem with me so who knows. This could be her way of expressing her disapproval.

Oh well. I should probably get off the net for a bit and stop looking at junk.