September 01, 2003 - 11:21 p.m.

Failure.
Mood:

I was right, things HAD changed, but not the way I thought. Before when Red and I used to argue about something I'd usually blame him, blame something else, or hate something I shouldn't, but now I blame the one responsible for everything, the one who was ALWAYS responsible for everything, myself.

As hard as it is to believe Red never stars anything and he never did. In a way that only compounds my misery because no matter how hard I try I CAN'T make him out to be the "bad person", because he's not. I can't BLAME him for anything, because there is nothing to blame him for. And to make matters worse, really, the only things I find wrong with him are superficial, trivial and they are things every human should be forgiven for. They are literally things that have to do with spilled milk.

So in a way, Red is ultimately the perfect human being and his only mistakes are those created by chance, and maybe the only things that still make him "one of us" is the fact that he forgets things (trivial things, like the taste of a cake he's had about 3 months ago) or drops something on the floor. Things I shouldn't condemn him for but I often do.

He's right though. He's right about everything, and every time I start a conversation to tell him that whatever he did bugged me he finds the underlying reason and my disrespect for him, and each time we end the coversation and THIS time I feel like I failed. I failed to prevent this from happening over and over and over again. It's like another nightmare and I'm unable to wake from it, and it's hard to explain except it feels like you failed at the most important thing in your life, because you failed to make someone you love happy forever. But it's more than that.

The sad truth is, I failed him MANY times, in the biggest ways possible and yet he is still with me when the only thing I hear revibrating through my head is that I don't deserve him, I don't deserve him, I don't deserve him. Even my mom, in her sly, Red-supportive ways, tells me I don't deserve him. I think it's wonderful that she so outwardly supports him, it just goes to show you how incredible he is because she doesn't support anyone (not in the emotional sense, and not unless it benefits her in some way ie. She is supportive of me going to uni because it gives her bragging rights).

But perhaps the way I failed him the most was the accident, and I was reminded of that today. My dad phoned and we assumed he was calling to let us know he'd be home soon, instead he was calling to tell my mom to come get him because he was involved in a 3 car collision. Basically some guy was turning left (in the middle of the road) and my dad decided to wait behind him because there weren't that many cars around and he knew the guy would turn soon, all of a sudden someone hit him from behind so he slammed on the breaks but his car careened into the waiting guy, then he got pushed again and hit the car one more time, then slammed on his breaks again and be basically hit the car in front of him a total of 3 times as they all bounced along. His car got stuck in the middle so he suffered the most damage. Thankfully he drives a massive Ford van and American cars are "built tough".

The guy who hit him was driving a huge truck with one of those battling rams in front and the guy in front of my dad was in a Honda hatchback so one of HIS passangers ended up going to the hospital. My dad was shaken, but otherwise everyone was all right. When they came home though we talked about the accident and he was asking Red about his accident and Red was sort of describing what it felt like when the bag opened up and he said he couldn't get out of the car because the whole side was smashed in and he didn't know what happened at first.

I know the first person he phoned was me, and I asked him if he wanted me to come over but he said no, and in the end, he wanted that more than anything. He said all he could think of was me, of how badly he wanted me to be there, to offer support, to comfort him, to tell him everything was going to be all right. That day a part of me died, and maybe it was the day when things changed. When I realised how selfish I am.

So we lay in bed and I thought about everything, my parents, and where I was at that very moment, the feel of the bed under my body, Red's legs entwined in mine and thought abouto my mom lying in her room probably watching TV, Bandit somewhere on her bed, and my dad maybe beside her or downstairs on the sofa and I thought how surreal everything felt. How utterly foreign and then I thought how easily it would have been to let it all go. And then the scaryness of that thought overwhealmed me, and the fact that no MATTER what happens I keep coming back to it and today I realised it's not a "spurr of the moment thing", it's not because you have a bad day and all of a sudden it's there. I realised it's been there since I was 6 years old. The first time I went into the bathroom and hit myself so hard I nearly passed out. Then I stood there wishing I was dead.

Perhaps I'm too emotional for my own good, I think too much, I overanalize, and for whatever it's worth, I may not understand half the things I feel.

As I lay there I put my hand across Red's chest and felt his solid body beneath me, then immediatly thought that ironically, the only person who is giving me the wings to fly is also the only person who is keeping me grounded. But because he's actually giving me HIS wings, I think it's such a waste when he could so easily fly on his own. Maybe that's why I don't want him to leave me alone. I truly am the only person I need to fear. I have so many anxiety issues and the prospect of my "outlet" always washes everything away. I always feel that no matter what, if all else fails... I have that option.

Maybe that's the saddest way of looking at things but when you've basically lived this way almost your entire life, it's hard to change. Maybe I'm bound to Red in so many ways than one. I think right now I owe him yet one more thing, my life. It's just another thing to add to the many reasons why I don't deserve to have someone like this here.

I feel guilty. I always feel the guilt. Always failure. Always undeserving of this guardian angel.