September 07, 2003 - 9:06 p.m.

Crying...
Mood:

I wish Red would say how much I've changed him for the better, but all I see before me is a path of destruction and a war riddled Earth, like that forest I saw when I was a child. Black, burned ground, black skeletons of trees sticking up into a blue sky. Stretching for miles towards the horizon, a path of destruction about a mile across, and on either side of that path, green healthy forest. Red reminds me of that path.

And even if I asked him, I'm sure he could come up with something just to make me feel better... but perhaps not, he's not one to feed people BS they want to hear to feel good about themselves. And I know I feel like Dea when she wrote about Adrian, I failed him. I'm not good enough for him.

Right now I'm just crying but no tears come out. It's the silent type of crying, like the silent type of love. And as silence speaks the loudest so does this, hurt far more *sigh*.

I wish I could do something stupid right now, KNOWING fairly well Red wouldn't ever read this to find out, and whoever else did wouldn't be able to do anything to stop me, except at this VERY moment an image of Stacy pops into my head and I think, "I can't", because of what she told me and what I told her... I said, "Tell Greg, he will help you get through this", except I can't confide this in Red, he's already told me in no uncertain words I need councelling, and even though I know he's right, it still hurts to hear this from someone who's opinioin you truly respect that you're a nutcase.

I'm going to that woman's support center anyway next week.

So I guess I'm speaking to everyone. Anyone who'll listen, and of course it helps, it keeps my fingers busy, and I know I won't do anything stupid today becaue I'm about to watch a movie with my parents and they'd come looking for me.