September 08, 2003 - 3:24 p.m.

Yup... *sigh* again.
Mood:

I'm actually in school right now writing this. God I don't know WHO to hate more, myself for keeping this journal or Red for reading it and being a bastard. Everyone else seemed to have read it (ie. Tina, Dea and Stacy) and they were concerned and wrote me e-mails which was so sweet of them and all he does is message me and say this:

1) I didn't call you a nutcase and,
2) I just thought you needed councelling because you seemed to have reached a point in your life where you're feeling down about things and don't seem to know how to handle it.

Yes, thank you every much, I'll handle things WITHOUT your help. If you came here just to READ my fucking shit for YOUR benefit, leave now ok. I'm so sick and tired of you thinking I'm against you all the time and write shit about you in my journal.

But yup, I guess, tough love, isn't that what you told me? Too bad Tina, Stacy and Dea are a LOT more caring than YOU are. You can do whatever the hell you want you know, it's YOUR life, and I'll do whatever the hell I want because it's MY life.

But on a note unrelated to Red, because I'm not going to bother writing anything bad about him, he doesn't deserve that space in here anymore, I'm really having fun in school. Everything seems so academic and interesting (I just finished a 2 hour Astronomy lab), pretty fun. Now I have a bit of a break and then I'm off to my last class. I finally submitted my form though, yey, and now I have a few more things on my TO DO list.

1) Make a doc/gyno appointment for next week
2) Make an appointment with that woman's place for an interview for my project and talk to them about councelling etc. (would be good to do that on Friday of this or next week) (and how they got into the field and so on and so forth)
3) Phone about loan because as usual there's a fucking PROBLEM with something... arg.

And then a ton ton ton of reading! That'll be all done tomorrow, and work. I think I'm basically set for the whole day. I better go. I need to write to Tina and Stacy later on. I'm all right though everyone, seriously *big big huggle*. Like I said, in retrospect, I hate being a hypocrate so if I give any advice I would also want to follow it myself, and things aren't that bad, and in the end, men are fucking shit so they're not worth loosing your head over. No matter WHAT happens, just remember that: not worth it. Us girls need to stick together :)

Oh and finally... WHERE'S MY FUCKING BAG!?

9:44 p.m. - Dead tired.

That little mood icon with the cross-eyes TRULY describes what I look like right now, hehehe. I'm sssoooo dead tired! This is pretty much what my days are like on Monday and Wednesday, really long long day. Wake up at 5:30 am, in school from 8 am until 5:30 pm, then go home. Get home at around 7 pm. Change and eat asap and then go for a walk which could last until 9 pm or 8:30 (depends if we go for an hour or half an hour). Then from 9 until I drop dead I run little "errands" for myself. Little stuff like printing notes or final edits or other minor stuff like that I don't want to deal with the NEXT day.

The next day is either Tuesday or Thursday where I basically read and do other work related stuff and read and maybe next week go places. Hehehe... how exciting.

Damn I'm having problems riding the bus though *sigh*. I hate mornings because I feel sick if I eat and then go on the bus (as in nausiated sick). But if I don't eat I'm starving ass. The key is that I HAVE to get a seat for claustrophobic, nausia & the fact that I faint if I stand too long in claustrophobic situations (longer if there are no ppl around and I'm outside) so I usually have no choice but to miss the first bus, but because of that I need to get up earlier to get to school on time.

Today though was ESPECIALLY nuts. On the way back the bus driver guy I think was some sort of a fucked up sadist. First he sort of herded us onto the bus and literally yelled, "Get on I'm leaving right NOW!" My jaw hit the floor. There were 10 people on the bus! Fucking 10 you retard! Then he took off and even though I sat in the middle he drove like a MANIAC. The whole bus rattled and shook SO bad I had a huge "nausia" induced headache when I got off. The whole entire time I kept thinking, "If I had JUST had lunch I would have hurled all over your damn bus and that would have been the end of that."

Then I went home and am sort of contemplating getting off the pill or going on a different one or SOMETHING. Basically it's causing me to have this weird skin thing I never had before, and causing MAJOR MAJOR migranes practically 24/7 and more nausia. The benefits for me at least STILL outweigh all the bad side effects but there may be an alternative because I REALLY hate having headaches every single day. I think I'm the only one eating up bottles of Advil and Bufferin and I'm SURE that can't possibly be good for my liver/stomach (but if I didn't do that I wouldn't be able to function more than half the time).

I better go though. Nothing left for me here but talking to empty walls. I wish I could write in here more often, mainly because whoever DOES read this, I can be assure reads it for no other reason than to find out how I feel and how I'm doing, and what I'm up to... they don't come here to see if I wrote crap about them and how much I hate them. And then they ALWAYS ALWAYS have something positive and supportive to say that makes me feel like I have wonderful friends. Maybe that's why I REALLY don't care about being social in Uni. I know that sounds odd, but I TRULY love the few friends I DO have and to me NOBODY can replace my friends, so why waste energy, why bother? There's PLENTY of people out there who are awesome and nice and so far I like everyone I've met (except for that asshole bus driver!) but they have their own "close friends", and I have mine, and that's just that. They could move away to different parts of the world, or they could BE on the other side of Canada (like Stacy) and to me they're STILL more important than a billion regular friends, and to them I feel the closest no matter where they are.

I guess I leave with a very true quote: "To the whole world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."

My room smells like wicker baskets and potpouree, hehehe.