September 14, 2003 - 11:27 a.m.

Another work day.
Mood:

Damn, I have to go print my notes, then a bit more reading, maybe do some research on a new website Red sent me. Then tomorrow I'm in school all day, then work, then on Wednesday Red's sleeping over so he can take me to see the doctor on Thursday (needless to say, how wonderful is THAT?). He wants to come because he knows I like support and well, it's the part of seeing the doctor I hate *shudders*. I'm trying to be brave here *puts up a brave front*.

Now, in continuation to what I wrote yesterday about Dea, she actually wrote an entry in her journal that basically answered any questions I might have had. All I can say is, well... I feel truly sorry for Dowah. She is the one who has to pick up the pieces and ask the questions, "Why?". Dea of course can do, and does whatever she wants. As with all Tauruses, they are incredible creatures. Capable of loving someone and being supportive more than any other sign of the zodiac. So yes, I feel for Dowah, because I can only imagine what she's going through right now. And Dea seems to be happy which is good, maybe she'll find another piece of herself with Erin. Who knows. I hope she does.

I promised her I'd write and respond to her entry e-mail to me about Red, and so I will, this is probably the best time anyway. Right at the cusp when relationships end and new relationships begin :) So here goes...

The "iffy" state of our relationship. Yup, in a way it's iffy, but in another way, it's truly not. For instance, whatever we may "call" ourselves, bf/gf (I think that label is SSSOOO overrated anyway!), fiancee, husband/wife, whatever, does it matter? Not to me. I prefer to use the term "soulmates", and everything else falls under that. Even if we're with other people, we are STILL soulmates, that is paramount over everything else that's happening in our lives. We could be MILES MILES apart, we could be in the same room, or... we could be seperated by life's greatest force, deaeth, and yet we are still soulmates and forever shall be because that's like saying, "I'm white". It's just a fact that you cannot change no matter how HARD you try, how HARD you kick and scream, or how hard you try to push the other person away.

So in the end, as long as we remain soulmates and remain together, there is always the prospect that we will be happy when we move in together, and then we will be happy enough to get married, and then, as far as the REST of the world is concerned, I supposed we'll be "husband and wife", in which case, to everyone else, it will enlighten a bond we already knew we had since the first time we experienced that intense "spark" almost 5 years ago now.

Now onto the next questions. Do I have someone I can depend on to understand me and make me feel like a great human being (even when I know I'm not one). Do I have someone that will encourage me and support me with warmth and support my decusions whichever they may be? Do I have someone that truly fulfills my love needs right now?

Yes... and yet... no. Yes, because no matter WHAT HAPPENS, I know he WILL, and no, because no human being on the face of this Earth is capable of doing these things (and more) 100% of the time. To do that would mean they have to forget their OWN feelings and be treaded upon constantly. Forget their own struggles, their "bad days" and all the times YOU pissed THEM off... and not the other way around. And to ask that of someone is to ask them to die, is to ask them to forget who they are, and I would never do that because to be with someone like that would mean loosing all respect for them.

So in retrospect, when "yes" is concerned, then yes, to the best of his abilities (which are multitudous) and to the best of his wellbeing (when we're not fighting, when I don't piss him off, when he's not having a bad day and needs support from ME - all these things a normal human being experiences), Red is more supportive of everything I do than I myself am (remember, we are both, you and I, our worst critics :). He loves me more than I need at this moment, and that is a constant guilty area for me because I tend to give BACK what I NEED. Therefore: because I currently don't need to be loved as much right now, I give back very little, and I KNOW that's not fair to him. But yet... he knows the person I am. He knows that I am capable of loving just as much as he is, and so he perseveres and adjusts and wants to be with me. Does he encourage me, support me? Yes. Although of course he has lapses of "selfishness" (such was the case when I wanted to go back to Uni and he suggested I go to college for a year to see if Psych was something I REALLY wanted to get into. The basis behind his thinking was that he WANTED us to live together sooner). But doesn't every human being feel selfish at times? He is admirably one of the few people who is one of the most selfless creatures I know.

So while this sounds like Red is an incredable person, he is. Just as all human beings are. And YES, we fight, and YES we get hurt, and YES sometimes I doubt why we fight so much if we're so compatible. But underneath it all, there is STILL that fact, we ARE compatible. We agree on a lot more than we disagree. We share this strange bond and as I've mentioned before, people change. LOVE changes. The way you feel about SEX changes. The way you feel about your partner changes... we are creatures of change... not habit :) But we have also realised that THROUGHOUT the changes we've experienced over the past 5 years, we still truly love the people we are, and love the people we are to eachother, and in the end, that's all that matters. If you can change so drastically (or maybe NOT so) and still be able to laugh and cry together, watch movies together, talk, go for walks, spend time together, kiss and make love and go shopping together, then discuss the possible names of your kids together... I'd say, above every other little "bad" thing that happens, that is more than assurance of your ability to LAST.

Nobody is forcing us to be together (for instance), but in the end, I know that to NOT be together would mean being half a person, it would mean not using myself to my fullest potential, not BECOMING a human being to my fullest potential. And of course all of the other stereotipical things like security, having someone to cuddle with, sharing a house together so you're not alone, having a friend to confide in when you feel the rest of the world has turned its back on you.

In the end, YES there is a ton of good, and YES the good is interspearsed with some bad (as is the case with EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP on Earth, friend or foe, woman/man or man/woman, husband/partner or wife/partner, but even I've grown up a little (hopefully, hehehe) and realised that no amount of BAD should overshadow the facts, that if two people are MEANT to be together, they SHOULD be together, REGARDLESS of a bitchy PMS'y day, REGARDLESS of a "me me me" day, REGARDLESS of "I hate the world AND YOU", REGARDLESS of "I'm a critical asshole" day... regardless of all the bad days YOU, your partner or both of you have together. Perhaps days like that are made to remind us why we're together. To reflect and to remember how wonderful the other person is, to remind ourselves why we loev eachother, because lets face it, with today's busy busy busy days, the best lover sometimes forgets.

But we shall see what happens :) We all make a life for ourselves and follow our instincts/intuition and some common sense. Both of those are telling me that, in the end, Red IS the one. But it's not a pull or a "force", it's just this gentle "yes", every time I ask myself if we should be together, if this is all worth it. In the end I see the merits of growing together and of changing together.

Oh and also Dea... never hesitate to write me another e-mail like that or ask me directly, because you see, things like that always make me think about the person I am, and where I am, as I'm sure questions from other people do the same for you. So be inquisitive, because we all learn from one another :)